Sometimes I can’t think of anything but the memories.
The memories and the thoughts that come with it.
"You’re not worthy"
"You’re broken"
"You’re disgusting"
"You will never be loved"
I can try and challenge the thoughts, but then I’m pulled away again by the images – it’s like I’m there with him again.
"I’m scared"
My heart starts to race and I can’t breathe.
I can’t stop panicking.
I need to look around me to ground myself.
"It’s not working, it’s not working."
He’s still there but not there.
“I know that, why am I letting my body do this”
“You’re so stupid, he’s obviously not there”
It’s just a memory, why are you letting your body tell you otherwise.
“Your brain is broken”
“You’re broken”
Stop thinking about it – You’re making this a big deal.
"I can’t cope. I’m drowning. I’m scared."
Smile, Laugh. No one will notice. Maybe I’m OK.
Looking back on some of the things I have written alongside therapy, it feels rewarding to see things more clearly now. And with that clarity, to have a bit more control.
I can look back and see the battle I was having frequently throughout my days and nights. This piece really captures that battle of the shock and intensity of flashbacks and the thoughts that come with them. And the constant fight I have against these, which only leads them to come back quicker and more often.
In therapy, I have been able to talk through these memories in a way that’s felt safe, and this has helped to process and file them away so that they pop up less. And I have learned ways and feel prepared to deal with the memories when they do pop up.
Sometimes this battle between flashbacks, thoughts and me comes back still. This can feel just as scary as it was when it first happened. But looking back at this piece, I can see how far I’ve come. I think a lot of this feeling of control has come through understanding what my brain is doing and why it is reacting in the way it is. I can identify what is going on and know strategies I can use to help myself.
This reminder makes things feel lighter and hopeful, and something to hold onto on the more difficult days.
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