Whenever I try to write something about what flashbacks can feel like it never feels that coherent. But I think that’s what I like best about writing about them. It reflects the confusion, the push and pull, the rapid and unpredictable nature of them.
Without realising it, these flashbacks become encompassing even when they aren’t in their intrusive and vivid state. They create a feeling that plagues and appraises everything you experience. They become core beliefs and a way you see the world. They trigger themselves. They are powerful. They need to be written about, hence the following piece.
New images,
New colours,
New flickers of light or no light at all.
Darkness.
New body memories,
New touch,
Encompassing. Trapped.
Feeling trapped. Reinforced by all of the above.
Reinforced by normal day to day experiences, now plagued and appraised by this feeling of being trapped.
Reinforced by future experiences, now plagued and appraised by this feeling of being trapped.
I avoid, push it away. Distract because I should be fine now.
Distract because it’s making me feel smaller and smaller again.
Distract because I’m getting lost in the noise of it all.
It’s been far too long.
But that’s not how these fragmented memories work.
I should know. They intrude in every single way they can, changing their shape to intrude even more until you pay them attention. Until you have no other option but to pay them attention.
So you pay them attention.
You let all the intensity pull you in. It feels so real. Lifelike. It's happening right now. But it isn't happening right now.
You balance the intensity and try to take control
You bounce back and forth between control and intensity.
It feels so real.
Life like.
It's happening right now.
Frozen.
But it isn't happening right now.
It's a memory.
It's a body memory.
You're not trapped anymore.
The exhausting embrace of accepting that this memory might be yours. These images, these body memories. The way they appraise everything around you, proudly solidifying themselves as part of you. It is encompassing. It is inescapable. But you face them. You embrace them. It's the only way they will reduce their bold character.
You remind yourself: Feeling trapped. It’s a feeling, not a reality. You’re not trapped anymore.
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